The Grass is Always Greener…

…over the septic tank, as Erma Bombeck put it.

Country living has its advantages, but it also has some drawbacks. Our version of Dry January means no rain, not abstention from vin rouge. So on Monday Diane decided we needed to turn on our drip irrigation system. Normally this is a turn key operation, but I anticipated problems. We have squirrels cavorting on our property, and I would love to shoot them, but I can’t hit anything. For some reason the rodents are not content stealing walnuts and tearing the bark off of young trees: they like to gnaw on drip lines too. Squirrel floss perhaps.

We had several major punctures, including one that was buried near the bottom of a dense rosemary bush. I had to cut an opening through the foliage and work in a very confined space to fix that one, scratching my arms and hands in the process. After about an hour the leaks were all fixed but I was cold and wet and muddy.

Then on Friday we got a nice postcard from Sweet Pea Septic, reminding us that it had been 5 years since our last pump out and perhaps it was time for another one. One thing nobody wants is a backed up septic tank, and we don’t want the grass to get THAT much greener. So I called them up and scheduled an appointment.

The woman who helped me could not have been nicer or more competent. She asked me if both the tank hole covers were going to be dug up and exposed, or would they have to send someone to do that? I said I would do the digging, no problem. She said I would save myself $240, since that is what they would charge to do it.

Growing up on a farm and then spending a quarter century as an adult trying to make a living farming may not have taught me a lot. But I did learn how to use a shovel. Notice how some parents start their kids on skis from an early age? My dad handed my brother and me shovels around age 5 and taught us how to use them instead of how to schuss down the slopes.

So this morning I went to work, and after about 90 minutes I completed the excavation. $160 per hour!

Notice how little extra digging I had to do to expose the holes.? Did I use AI to help me find them? Or perhaps head to the Google Play Store and download the appropriate app? There is probably one called “Septic Sleuth!” there. But thanks to my dad, I had a much more low tech method. When we installed the tank back in 1983, he suggested that I had better draw a map so I could find the holes when it came time for the first pump out. Basic geometry and triangulation to the rescue!

It is amazing that I have been able to pull this out every five years for the last 4 1/2 decades. I keep it in a special folder labeled “RF DO NOT TOSS” . I would be hard pressed to produce my college diploma, if I even still have it. But when it is time to dig and pump I know where to look.

That particular walnut tree is still there, by the way. It was fully grown when I was a kid in the 1960’s so it must be over 70 years old. Things really do change slowly on Brumby Road.