Making an Impact

Remember last week’s post about how sexting and using emojis can spice things up in a relationship? Diane must have decided to give it a try, at least the ’emoji’ part. Or perhaps this is a meme, or an avatar. I have as much trouble keeping up with internet terms and usage as I do with the ever evolving genders and their respective pronouns. Go ahead, ‘lol’ at my ignorance.

Regardless, the thought was much appreciated.

But if sexting and emojing aren’t enough to put the spark back, or keep a marriage from going over the cliff, The Wall Street Journal featured a story about a more aggressive way to tackle the problem.

Couples therapy—the venue for the messy job of tackling the disillusionment, betrayals, moribund sex lives and other issues that pop up between partners—has a new variant. Called “high-impact therapy,” it is rapidly gaining fans among those who’ve tried it.

On Brumby Road, “disillusionment, betrayals and a moribund sex lives” aren’t much of a concern. Our biggest problems are who walks Luke the dog or goes to the grocery store or what to have for dinner and who is going to get it ready. But some couples are on the verge of untying the knot, and facing the messy personal and legal and familial and financial issues that go with divorce, they will resort to desperate measures. High Impact Therapy to the rescue!

Ellyn Bader, a psychologist in Menlo Park, Calif., has helped develop the high-impact approach, the centerpiece of which is the “couples intensive”—16 hours of highly structured work over a two-day period. Why am I not exactly shocked that this is a Coastal Cali Construct? I can’t imagine Dr. Bader setting up shop in Linden.

Dr. Bader has identified 5 stages of marriage, of which the first is the most fun, apparently.

In Bader’s five-stage model of a couple’s development, stage two is where nearly everyone hits a rocky patch. They have departed the romantic fantasy world of stage one—“We like the same songs!”—and have started to become aware of disillusioning facts: interests that conflict, communications styles that don’t always mesh well, values that depart on important matters. This transition can be dangerous if disappointments lead to distancing, avoidance, or out-and-out combat.

Combat is not good. Stoker got mad enough at me once to cut off the top of an irrigation sprinkler in the orchard. Which is much less serious that going all Lorena Bobbitt on her spouse. Those two could have used some high impact therapy for certain.

The model charts the trajectory of successful relationships from the fantasies and infatuations of first love through four more stages that end with a full partnership and full acceptance of the notion that two people can work together more successfully and happily than one.

IMHO (see, I do know some social media shorthand) Stoker and I entered the ‘full partnership’ stage as soon as we started filing joint tax returns. Although in those early days, being married resulted in a higher tax bill than two single people would incur, if both spouses worked and had roughly equal incomes. I reckoned it cost us about $2000 per year back in the 1980’s for the privilege of being married. Which is a different kind of privilege from ‘white privilege’. I joked about getting an amicable divorce and using the tax savings to book a vacation in Puerto Vallarta, which did not amuse Stoker to be even a little.

Remember my blog about the one serious question? If not, check it out:

A Question, Partially Answered

Who knows how to make love stay? Who indeed? Most couples really want to be able to answer it, and will go to great lengths to try, even ‘high impact’ lengths. Now if you’ll excuse me, it is time for me to answer the question about dinner and get busy in the kitchen.