Pineapple on Pizza?

Sometimes I think that ‘professional’ educators are going out of their way to make writing a blog the easiest thing in the world. Consider:

One Connecticut school is under fire for handing out a “Pizza and Consent” assignment, where eighth-grade students were given a handout stating that pizza can be used as a “metaphor for sex,” which instructed students to list their favorite and least favorite pizza toppings “in relation to sex.”

“Here are some examples: Likes: Cheese = Kissing,” the assignment states. “Dislikes: Olives = Giving Oral,” stated the assignment given to eighth graders within the Enfield Public Schools.

“Now that you know this metaphor for sex, let’s explore your preferences! Draw and color your favorite type of pizza. What’s your favorite style of pizza? Your favorite toppings? What are your pizza no-nos? Now mirror these preferences in relation to sex!,” the assignment states.

Now if you think I am making this up, here is a picture of the pizza diagram, all ready to be topped (from below?) with sexy metaphors.

A veritable tabula rasa, a blank canvass to express the divine and disgusting aspects of human sexual behavior. Brought to you by public schools and paid for with taxpayer dollars. In 8th grade too! Grammar and writing skills and arithmetic are out, and associating erotica with mozzarella is in.

Can you believe that ‘professional’ educators created this stuff? They think The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn needs to be banned but a discussion of peccadilloes and preferences is completely appropriate.

Now eating pizza and the participating in the metaphorical activities associated with the toppings are my idea of a perfect day. When it comes to pizza, Stoker and I are in complete agreement: Pizza Guys. We get the regular crust with tomato sauce, topped with pepperoni, yellow onions, and fresh green peppers. We will sprinkle on Parmesan but never dried red pepper flakes. Other toppings are acceptable, but these are our favorites. However we would never tolerate anchovies. And pineapple is blasphemy.

When it comes to the using toppings as metaphors, I’ll just say that whatever Stoker wants, and whenever she wants it, is fine by me. I didn’t need a ‘modern’ 8th grade assignment to know that.